Wednesday, May 6, 2015

17's Age of Ultron Movie Review: Three Hours of Tasting Ass

Marvel Studios cannot make a bad movie, and that’s not because they are infallible. It’s because Marvel Fan Boys will always point out some bullsh*t to prove that the movie was actually better than your brain thought it was. Captain America: The First Avenger wasn’t slowly paced and wooden, it was true to the comic book and necessary exposition, so go shut the f**k up before I fist your mother with a cosmic cube and let the Howling Commandos run a train on her! Guardians of the Galaxy may have had the worst “take over the universe” plot since Rita Repulsa decided to send Putties to Angel Grove, but Rocket was funny, Groot was cute, and Star Lord danced—He DANCED okay! So suck a Celestials sized d*ck if you didn’t get “Hooked on a Feeling”. 
This is Marvel and to say anything bad is blasphemous! You can’t criticize a Marvel Studios film the same way you can drag your ass all over Sony’s dearly departed Spider-Man or Fox’s X-Men because there is always something you can find to make you fall in love and forget the not too good parts. Well guess what, I’m about to point out the not so good parts in Avengers: Age of Ultron, which like the comic book that inspired the title is more chicken shit than chicken salad.

Spoilers Galore Bitches…

Team Chemistry Sucked Wilson Fisk sized Ass:
The movie starts out with this epic battle in the woods, complete with Matrix style slow motion/speed-up battle sequences that looked more at place in a GI Joe movie than a Marvel film. We get to hear the witty banter about Steve Rogers telling people to watch their language, and exposition about how apparently since Avengers I… or maybe Winter Soldier (?) the team has been hunting Loki’s scepter. Apparently this team of superheroes that cause massive property damage everywhere they go have been below the radar destroying Hydra basis for over a year, but it feels as if they are just meeting up for the first time in this scene. So what’s changed since then? Tony Stark went through this big revelation that he is Iron Man even without the suit. Captain America realized his country is corrupt, and Thor is in a monogamous relationship with Natalie Portman...

What makes The Avengers comics good… hold up they aren’t. What makes X-Men a good book or made The Runaways a classic book? Interpersonal team dynamics! Despite being Gods, these people don’t always get along. Unlike the original Avengers film that forced these characters to work together, we have a well-oiled machine, that now needs friction. The premise was that Ultron with help from Wanda Maximoff (Inhuman not Mutant) was going to tear the team apart. There was very little turmoil from a personal standpoint. Hulk Buster Iron Man vs. Hulk—physical. Captain America vs. Tony Stark? We’ll save that for Civil War apparently. Thor butting heads with Hawkeye? Nope, they’re cool. Black Widow undermining Tony Stark? Nope, all cool here. AoU had a perfect plot device to have The Avengers at each other’s throat, Hex mind control, but nothing was paid off in terms of changing relationship dynamics in a real way. I love Joss Whedon and if I was in front of him I would say, “Master Geek, remember when Buffy The Vampire Slayer died, and for the next 12 episodes she walked around hating all her friends who resurrected her… how come when Tony Stark created f**king Skynet in a suit, his teammates only stayed mad for two minutes?” Come on, where is the drama!?!

The Creation and Master Plan of Ultron Was More PU$$Y Than Hope Summers:
I’m a robot who understands that humans need to go the way of the dinosaur to save this planet. Okay, I didn’t expect an Inception style plot so I’ll buy it. Let me grab Wanda Maximoff (Inhuman not Mutant) her super-fast brother Kick-Ass with White Hair, and um, get rid of The Avengers so we can raise a giant city and drop it on the earth. Okay. I guess that makes sense in terms of Extinction Level Events. Here’s the thing, what was the rush? If you’re a robot you do things efficiently, right? You kill Tony Stark first. Then let the Hulk run free. Thor isn’t smart enough to stop a Flying City from falling. Captain America is still beating his little Super-Soldier to Peggy Carter, he's not going to stop anything that's not a Nazi or his former Sidekick. After Stark is dead, the plan is unstoppable. The entire Father Versus Son storyline was treated like an afterthought. Ultron’s aim should have been the death of Iron Man, first. Of all people he should have known that the only one that could stop him was his creator.

The Love Story between Bruce Banner and Black Widow Blew Rick Jones Balls:
Remember what made Winter Soldier arguably the best Marvel movie thus far? It was Widow and Capt doing their best Woody Allen impression with the awkward love story routine. I believed that Black Widow could be with Steve Rogers. He was innocent, goofy, a reflection of the innocence she lost a long time ago but maybe, just maybe she could rediscover. We get to AoU, and we suddenly have the Black Widow/Hawkeye romance extinguished, but also the Captain America flirting suddenly gone in favor of Bruce “Where is Edward Norton” Banner. I was prepared to get behind the beauty and the beast story, but sadly, it was drier than Sandman trying to hit Firestar from the back.

The Hulk storyline was this, “Natasha go whisper to him that it’s getting dark and rub his hand.” Oh my god! This is Titanic, move over Jack and Rose! Edward and Bella, you have nothing on Green Hulk and Black Widow. There was no development in this love story that made me root for them to work. Why would Black Widow choose Banner? Because he doesn’t want to fight? This is a woman that can have any man in the world, would she actually want to spend her life fearing that her boyfriend would lose his temper and kill her mid blow job? There could have been a love story at the heart of this movie that made Hulk’s sacrifice in the end worthwhile, but as it stands I didn’t buy Natasha actually loving Bruce for any other reason than pity.

The Jokes Were Flatter than Aunt May’s Ass:
Language, Captain America! I get it, he’s old! HAHAHA

Oh look, it’s Stan Lee and he says that line he says! TEEHEEHEE

War Machine tell us your corny ass War Machine joke. LMFAO!

Whose hotter Pepper Potts or Jane? OMG I’m dying but not really!

How about we have Hawkeye and Quicksilver keep saying “You didn’t see that coming,” until one of them dies! Damn, I need oxygen it’s just too funny.

The heart of the Iron Man movies were Robert Downey Jr’s “improvised” lines that had people laughing like it was a comedy. I argue to this day that Iron Man 3, works as a comedy more than an action movie because it’s like watching a master at work in terms of comedic timing. Joss Whedon loves levity, and he is a funny guy, but I think Ultron’s awkward one liners never quite worked as scripted no matter how great James Spader was because the jokes didn't fit the mood. Iron Man was probably the most unfunny he’s been in any movie. Captain America and Black Widows scenes which were so good in Winter Soldier, were abandoned. Quicksilver, who stole the show in X-Men: Days of Future Past, never reached the level of comic book cockiness that made him a fan favorite. Hawkeye tried to be funny I guess... Okay, these movies aren’t comedies, but they had a lot of scenes that were supposed to be funny, but failed. With the exception of the “Who can lift the Hammer,” and the awesome Betty/Veronica reference, there wasn’t much there and it’s not like they didn’t try.

What The F**k Was Up With Hawkeye:
On this episode of Little House on the Prairie, Pa brings home his rag tag bunch of Superheroes. Ma gives five speeches about “Clint, they need you, because you shoot arrows, and every team needs a bland white guy that shoots arrows.” Oh Ma Barton, you’re so wise!

I don’ t  have a problem with the twist of Hawkeye having a family. I have a huge problem with Hawkeye’s family being used as a tool to make us more sympathetic towards Hawkeye because no one cares about Hawkeye on his own. The oldest trick in the book—introduce a family, give the hero something to risk, now tease that heroes death. Not once did we believe Hawkeye would die, not after the third talk about, “You come home Pa, and you build that new dining room table!” It was lazy, and uninspired, an easy way to circle jerk the idiots who don’t know what a plot device is. Who actually teared up when Hawkeye pops up in the living room at the end??? “Ma, let’s name that baby after Kick-Ass with White Hair, cus he died.” Nooooooo! He was so young!

Great Lakes Avengers Rules:
Not since WWE introduced The New Day, have I been so excited about a sh*tty team! Wow, we have a new Avengers team introduced in the end. Get ready for: Falcon, War Machine, Wanda Maximoff (Still Inhuman not mutant), Tigra, Wonder Man, Black Knight, Vance Astrovick, Darkhawk, and The Vision. All being lead by Captain America and Black Widow. Wow! If only we had a hero that was small, like the size of an Ant…

In Retrospect The Avengers was great if you haven’t seen any other Marvel Movie.
There were some well-done fight sequences near the end. Black Widow saving Vision from the van was awesome. Scarlet Witch going Dark Phoenix after her brother died was probably the best scene of the film (No More Ultron! You mean to tell me you couldn't work that line in?). The Easter eggs of Wakanda and Klaw were great foreshadows of The Black Panther movie. And how can you not be excited at the potential of Thanos and the Infinity Wars.
So while I had problems with 70% of the movies in terms of it not being that great Dark Knight Returns type of movie that can stand on it’s own as an epic that really changed the direction of these movies, it served it’s purpose as a set up for Captain America: Civil War which is probably the most important movie coming up. So just like the comic version, The Avengers movie has lived up to the standard of being a great time filler, before they launch the real crossover event.
2 ½ stars out of 5.