John Cena won the Money In The Bank ladder match to become 15x WWE Champion. Are you shocked? I doubt it. Are you mad? I know you are. If Randy Orton is the Justin Bieber of the WWE, a self-destructive brat who you can always count on to put vaginas in seats, then John Cena has to be Drake, the unheralded superstar in a world full of semi-stars that is panned by purist but will always make more money than his contemporaries. It’s easy to jump on a keyboard and throw pipe bombs at Cena and his lack of technical wrestling abilities, and when the former Doctor of Thuganomics grabbed those two titles and Michael Cole screeched like a virgin during his first masturbation session, I was upset. Then it dawned on me that they know more about the Wrasslin biz than my a$$ does... Orton is boring, RVD is done, Cesaro isn’t as over as the internet likes to pretend he is, Bray Wyatt is merely a rising star, and Roman Reigns hasn't shown anything other than his ability to toss his wet hair and deliver one of the worst Superman punches since Shaq was Steel. Who is really best for business if you go down the roster? John F’ing Cena!
The WWE is in the biggest fight of their life since Scott Hall jumped over that WCW railing. The WWE network debuted to high praise, and then its hype and the WWE stock fell faster than Gwen Stacy. Vince McMahon is in the business of making money, not trying to out due Shakespeare in terms of storytelling. Summerslam has to drive fans to WWE network because the company’s stock can’t wait until The Royal Rumble.
The thing that pisses me off about WWE fan is that he wants WWE to push new talent for the sake of pushing new talent. Watch NXT if you’re bored with John Cena, but don’t think Bray Wyatt or Roman Reigns are going to raise the buyrates at this point. The last time WWE pushed a newbie, it ended up with Miz leaving Atlanta the WWE champion… remember that? Me neither and I was there.
Bray and Roman are the future, but only if they are given time to develop beyond the 2 dimensional characters they are right now. So let’s take a look at the top seven “new blood” WWE stars, and I’ll prove exactly why Cena is best for business.
7. Big E: Big black buck, that’s how Vince likes them, but these types have never gotten over. Big E has chops, he’s not Bobby Bore-me Lashley… Big E has charisma the same way Big Show has, he can be a clown. However, this Reverend Martin Luther King speech giver gimmick is the worst idea since Kofi Kingston was “Jamaican me crazy!” The fans in NXT got behind Mr. 5 count because he was a fun squash master, but in WWE he’s just another strong black guy, and one Mark Henry is enough.
WWE Championship Year: 20NeverNever!
6. Bo Dallas: I B0-lieve that the other son of IRS is the blue chipper out of the NXT bunch, but WWE is horrible when it comes to getting over characters with one trick gimmicks. The only way he doesn’t fall into Fandango territory is if the fans get behind him like they did Daniel Bryan.
WWE Championship Year: 2017
5. Bad News Barrett: If Barrett can get healthy and stay healthy, he can shake up the main event, but not in a Sheamus, here today, gone tomorrow way, he could evolve from face to heel to face and always be over with the crowd. Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery.
WWE Championship Year: 2016
4. Dolph Ziggler: Technically, he won the big title, but he didn’t really win main event respect. The problem with Dolph is that he’s dryer than the Funkadactyls weave. He’s a great worker, but he’s not a great character. The Show Off doesn’t really show off anything. If this were 1994, he’d be the tune up guy for Bret Hart or tag teaming with Marty Jannetty to reform the Rockers. The internet loves this guy and think he’s the savior like ratchet girls think J Cole is the heir apparent to Hova, but he’s not! Dolph is the white Shelton Benjamin, and the only way he gets a real run is if Daniel Bryan, Cena, Orton, Hunter are in a plane crash, even then AJ Lee will probably get the belt because she’s way more microphone over than Dolph will ever be.
WWE Championship Year: 2015 (but loses it in 22 days)
3. Cesaro: The Paul Heyman guy that’s being built up to turn on Paul Heyman and end up teaming with Santino or Ryback. I like Cesaro, but the WWE writers are lost as to what to do with him, even Paul Heyman has no clue as what to do with him. If Roman Reigns had not happened or Seth Rollins hadn’t become Hunter’s new project, he may have had a chance.
TNA Championship Year: 2016
2. Bray Wyatt: The man that has the whole world in his hand is the hottest commodity in the WWE, so much that the Y2J heavy crowd didn’t even know to cheer or boo the cult leader. Bray is next on deck to be THE HEEL going forward, all he has to do is play his part until after Brock Lesner finishes up.
WWE Championship Year: Summerslam 2015
1. Roman Reigns: The women love him the same way they loved the Rock. The guys love him the same way they loved early Batista. So what’s missing? The real Roman Reigns. Right now he’s still playing the part of The Shield, an enforcer who comes in and cleans house. That type of muscle doesn’t make you champion, personality and charisma do, ask JBL. Roman has just as swag as the Usos, but unlike the Rikishi twins, he will now get the opportunity to fully show that. I imagine that WWE is going to test Reigns in the co-main event spot against Orton or Triple H, but his wrestling isn’t what worries me, it’s whether or not the un-hip WWE will let Reigns become as cool as he most likely is in real life. If Reigns can translate into some Rock/Kevin Nash type of swag king then the WWE has found their new John Cena.
WWE Championship Year: Wrestlemania 2015
We are literally an entire year from having one of these guys become the new face of WWE, in the meantime business has to go on. CM Punk isn’t going to walk back through that door to save us. Daniel Bryan’s going to be the Kurt Angle type that hovers around the belt for years, but doesn’t really improve ticket sales. Orton is always the backup plan. And finally, Plan B aka Brock Lesnar has next at Summerslam. It’s best that Cena play the role of placeholder until these guys are ready. Does it make the WWE fans happy? Who cares, because you marks have already signed up for the WWE Network, they’re trying to get new people to sign up, and John Cena is the only one they trust to recruit the unwashed masses.