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Wonder Woman Belongs In The Kitchen

There’s been a ton of backlash against Zack Snyder casting Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in the forthcoming Batman Vs. Superman movie. The fanboy’s have had a stick up their asses ever since Zack Snyder let his Shrimp boating emo Superman allow Zod to 9-11 metropolis in The Man of Steel flick. Following up that move he cast Ben “I married Elektra” Affleck as The Batman. The final slap in the face is Snyder putting an unknown skinny little mouse of a girl in the tiara of the baddest woman of all time.


Listen up slapnuts, Man of Steel was an alien invasion movie, so stop bitching about collateral damage as if this sh*t was actually happening somewhere in Kansas. Christopher Nolan made awesome Batman movies, we can all admit to that, but that world is dead and buried! And to keep it real, no one outside of Michael Keaton playing “old bats” would have made you people not slobber for Christian Bale’s Batnuts. To hit the last point, Wonder Woman was cast in secret with little publicity and the victor was someone who no one seems to be sold on except the director. Do you know why this is? Do you know why Wonder Woman doesn’t have her own movie and why the first time she’s on the big screen she’s going to be forced to play 3rd banana to Supes and Bats?

Because no one cares about Wonder Woman.

When is the last time you brought a Wonder Woman comic book? Is the Wonder Woman animated film on your DVD shelf? Can you name a Wonder Woman villain besides the ones you’ve seen on Justice League Unlimited? Girls wear Wonder Woman T-shirts like they wear Betty Boop or Marilyn Monroe gear-- as a cute symbol many of them have no clue about!!! Wonder Woman’s comic book sells about 35k a month in this slow comic book economy. That’s a lot. She has 35-40k fans who follow her stories, that’s more than Ultimate Spider-man and Fantastic Four and around the same as Iron Man and Superman/Action Comics. Of course Batman sells five times that many books, but he’s Batman. The reason I bring up these numbers is that looking at the past 15 years Wonder Woman’s sales other than #1 issues have stayed about the same, where as Iron Man, Superman, even Ultimate Spidey have gone through huge swings of popularity where they have outsold even Batman. The comic book industry is about gimmicks and huge shakeups, but Wonder Woman has purposely remained like the Golden State Warriors and San Diego Chargers-- stagnant as a motherf**ker.

Geroge Bush may or may not care about Black people per Kanye West, but DC Comics doesn’t care about Wonder Woman and that’s a fact. Hal Jordan went crazy and killed the GL corps—sales spiked. Batman had his back broke and Azbats went on to sell a crap load of books. Superman died and gave DC comics enough money to wipe their azzes with until the end of the 90’s. Flash has three bankable incarnations, Barry, Wally, and Bart to kill/resurrect and whore out for sales whenever things get bad. What has happened to Wonder Woman in the past 15 years to really make people care? She got a pair of pants… ohhhhh. She’s now boo’d up with Superman in the new 52… Awwww. Isn't that special--bullsh*t!

So before we go trying to crucify Zack Snyder for not respecting Wonder Woman or boycott Warner Bros for choosing to do a Green Lantern movie before a Wonder Woman film, let’s look at the source of the problem—DC Comics has never ever treated Wonder Woman as a true equal!

Not to say she hasn’t been written well over the years or has stopped being a kick-ass heroine, it’s that she hasn’t been given a spotlight for people to say, “Oh Gail Simone’s run on Wonder Woman was just as classic as John Byrne’s Superman run” or “Wonder Woman killing Max Lord was as shocking as Magneto Ripping out Wolverine’s Adamantium”. No one says these things because like Aquaman losing his hand and getting a dumb azz hook—nobody has been paying attention or made to care!

DC Comics isn’t equal opportunity, that’s why they haven’t created a cool new character since Booster Gold. Marvel has a hard-on for Spidey, X-Men, and The Avengers, BUT characters like Deadpool and X-23 do break through the glass ceiling every five or so years, proving that they aren’t just living off of rehashed silver age characters. Wonder Woman has yet to have a big publicity campaign or huge story arc built around her greatness in a way that redefines her character and places her at the forefront of the DCU. Flashpoint showed what a character like that is capable of if unleashed, but alternative timelines can make anyone look cooler than they are in the main timeline—look at Franklin Richards, Hank McCoy, Lana Lang, and Superboy Prime. They all went from Lame to Fame in alternate worlds.

Before we all jump on the casting choice for Batman Vs. Superman and assume Gal Gadot will Halle Berry a great character, how about making our voice heard in the world of comics. If you bandwagon or fair-weather Wonder Woman fans really care about this character write Dan Dido or one of the editors of the new 52 an email and tell them you want more Diana. Those die-hard Wonder Woman fans, stop buying the book until she’s given a bigger role for real, not just more panel time in books that no one reads anyway. You don’t want JLA or Superman/Wonder Woman Diana, but a chance for this brilliantly powerful and inspiring super-heroine to get the Sinestro-Hal-Jordan treatment. Where is Wonder’ Woman’s Blackest Night? Where is Wonder Woman’s Knightfall? Where is Wonder Woman’s Kingdom Come?
DC comics doesn’t care about Wonder Woman. Hollywood doesn’t care about Wonder Woman. And maybe you don’t care about Wonder Woman. But I do. And it’s time to stop bending her over, anal raping her legacy, and only crying foul when it’s a trendy movie-related thing to do. If you want better treatment of this character, then rage for that—not just to sh*t on Zack Snyder because you didn’t like his Watchmen movie. Wonder Woman is DC's Kitchen B*tch, and that makes me sick!

Diana Prince is an Amazon who would literally beat the flesh off Bruce Wayne and then rip his head off if it meant saving Themiscyra. Diana Prince is a Goddess who would lay her own life on the line if it meant survival for one of her sisters. Diana Prince is a role model not only for young women, but for young men who don’t see women as equal or strong and need to be reminded that females aren’t all Power Girl Titties and Starfire Azz Azz Azz, but people to be respected and inspired by just as much as male heroes. The 21st century needs Wonder Woman, the real Wonder Woman, not "oh remember that Linda Carter show?"

Yes, this is a comic book character but she MEANS SOMETHING in the real world and can mean a hell of a lot more if she was positioned in a light that showed her complex warrior/princess/immigrant/American nature. You guys are mad as hell about a film that will be as forgotten as Supergirl: The Movie forty years from now, I’m mad as hell about the marginalization of one of the greatest comic book characters of all time and I’m not going to take it anymore!



For more in comics check out Death of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
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