Miley Cyrus’s skeletal ass, Walter White’s ingenious use of a car clicker, Obama’s cool points being taken away thanks to a sh*tty website, Trayvon Martin & Geroge Zimmerman’s Han Solo Vs Greedo Who Started It First debate, some jailbait singer who’s name I still can’t pronounce singing about being Royal, Xbox One and PS3 debuted... but Rihanna had more sexual partners this year than either system had games, we saw the death of Paul Walker and the near death of Johnny Depp’s career when the Lone Ranger crashed even harder, and let’s not forget the rise of Jennifer “Call me MotherF**king Katniss” Lawrence as the millennial Julia Roberts—but better. 2013 had a lot of stuff going on that’ll be forgotten by next week, but we here at UFB want to take time to acknowledge some of this crap.
Movie of The Year: The Wolf of Wall Street. Yes it’s way too long, yes it’s over the top, yes it promotes the use of cocaine, and had everyone who watched it googling “how to find Lemmon Quaaludes”, but so what! Not every movie has to be some morality tale where people learn their lessons and everything is tied up neatly, we need films like this that teach us about real human nature. American Hustle and The Place Beyond The Pines are close behind, but Wolf sums up the true American Capitalist Dream and like Michael Douglas’s Wall Street, will be one of those movies that people talk about a twenty years from now.
Worse Movie Trend: Black people still playing niggerish roles. 12 Years A Slave will be the Oscar darling this year. Fruitvale Station should net Michael B. Johnson a nomination as well. Grudge match so Kevin Hart playing the smart mouth sidekick to a bunch of white guys. And Tyler Perry is still wearing a dress. I loved Django because it didn’t front on what it was, it was a satirical look at slavery that spawned (pun intended) a black superhero that was the culmination of all the anger that blacks felt against the racist slave owners. The same way Rocky made Italians jump up and feel proud, Django made blacks feel proud. But when we get into these new films, it’s just bleak, a constant reminder that you were slaves and you needed white people to get free. You are a drug dealer in Oakland and your will die in the end. You are nothing but a clown who people make Webster jokes about. You are a buffoon who is only funny when he’s in drag. That’s not what I go to the movies for. Idris elba in Pacific Rim, why can’t that be the norm. Why can’t there be an American Hustle with an all-black cast, instead we get fluff like Best Man Holiday. Even if 12 Years A Slave wins the Academy Award, it’s still a lost because It shows that after all this time, we’re still seen as a race of people to be pitied, not a race of people that could run wall street, strap on a cape and cowl, or survive being stuck in space with no gravity.
Slept on Movie: Spring Breakers. This is just one of those films you have to see. The plot is pretty nonexistent, and contrary to the hype Selena Gomez is the one Disney Teen star that doesn’t go titties out in the film, but it’s so worth watching for James Franco alone. “Spring Break Forever!”
Should be slept on Movie: Jobs. I’m not one of those Ashton Kutcher haters, he doesn’t bother me, and in this movie he wasn’t the issue—the movie was the issue. The directing was a paste job, the script was Lifetime Movie of The Week. They left out huge chunks of Steve Job’s life and condensed his complex personality into a few scenes of yelling and crying. Like Highlander 2, this turd should be buried and never mentioned again.
Geek Out Moment of The Year: Seeing Pepper Pott's in the Iron Man armor was hot... BUT Katniss shooting that arrow in the sky at the end of Catching Fire had the 16 year old girl in me screaming: Yaassssssssss bitch Yasssssss!
Song of The Year: Royal by Lorde. Is there any question?
Video of The Year: Miley Cyrus "We Can’t Stop". Not since the Snoop and Dre “Nuthin But A G Thing” video did I wish I was in the video. Miley twerking with bears, cutting off fake fingers, getting turned out in the pool. This was like the movie Kids, minus Casper giving people AIDS.
Verse of The Year: Kendrick Lamar “Control”: Em’s Rap God is one of the best straight spitting rap songs ever made, but Kendrick did in 24 bars what no one since 2pac has been able to do—destroy the pride of an entire coast. People are still making responses months later and I feel like they’ll be doing it in 2014 as well. All hail the self-proclaimed King of NY.
Album of The Year: I enjoyed The Marshall Matthers LP2, Hov's MCHG, and Beyonce’s sneak attack CD is currently in heavy rotation, but I have to get controversial and give it to Kanye West. Yeezus isn’t a perfect album, out of the 10 tracks, four are garbage—but the other 6 are extraordinary. This isn’t just rapping or high posting, Kanye like Jay-Z has reached god-hood, and while lyrically he’s not as good as Drake has become, it doesn’t matter. Taking a trip into Yeezy’s mind more than makes up for the uneven lyrics and sonically the sound is so far ahead of what any producer is bringing to the table. Not since I listened to In Utero have I seen an artist willing to go against the commercial grain and ostracize fans in order to create something different. You may not like Yeezus, but it is pure Art.
TV Show of The Year: Breaking Bad. While Game of Thrones is my favorite show, Walking Dead is the nerds favorite show, and Scandal is black twitter’s favorite show, Breaking Bad is the greatest show of the last ten years. The final descent of Walter White and the decay of Jesse Pinkman will be talked about for years, and unlike The Wire it won’t be one of those weird things when White people walk up to you at a party and make the semi-racist comment, “wasn’t that show so authentic?” Breaking Bad was something everyone could relate to, how far will you go to make your life matter. Thank you Hizenberg.
TV Show Moment of The Year: The Red Wedding. Nuff said.
Book of The Year: This is tough, but I’m going with Solving Single: How To Get The Ring Not The Run Around. I just love that author.
Video Game of The Year: You degenerates love your GTA5, but The Last of Us is on another level in terms of voice acting, plotting, and graphics. I admit I’m only half way through my campaign, but this game is mind blowing good, and I’ve had at least three nightmares about surprise shanking zombies… but they won’t go down!
Comic Book of The Year: God, we’ve suffered through The Age of Ultron, the worst mini-series ever, fell asleep half way through Infinity, and seen DC’s new 52 lose all kinds of momentum after the gimmicky re-launch wore thin. The Batman titles may be the best-written books out there, but I’m going to give it to All New X-Men, because I’m bias and have a thing for 15-year-old red heads who will one day commit mass homicide.
Wrestler of The Year: John Cena. Hate or… I guess hate him a little less, this man beat The Rock, had sex with the hotter Bella Twin, and made people actually buy a PPV that Randy Orton was the main event on. Cena is the WWE, and this year with the threat of him being gone, we saw that he is desperately needed to keep the business going.
Best Sports Moment: Lights out Superbowl. In what was turning out to be a horribly boring Superbowl, the 49ers resurged after Beyoncé shut the lights off. The Ravens held off the Niners, and became champions, but in the end it didn’t matter who won, it was such a weird moment that it’ll forever be known as “that one Superbowl when the lights went out”
Worst Sports Moment: Anderson Silva’s leg break. Silva is the GOAT when it comes to martial arts and combat sports, lost his belt in what seemed to be a fluke shot when joking around. His return match with upstart Chris Weidman blew that moment out of the way as The Spider broke his leg in half throwing a leg kick, ending what was the greatest MMA career we’ve seen.
Triumph of The Year: Tie: Snapchat & Vine: Vine was such a breakthrough that Instagram quickly swagger jacked the concept. Not since Facebook has a company made a splash as fast as Snapchat, insuring that for the rest of our lives we don’t have to worry about people blackmailing us with old sexting messages
Fail of The Year: Obamacare. We all love Obama the person, he was a shining knight who was going to bring change. 2013 revealed that while Obama the man is someone you would want to chill with, Obama the POTUS is the same as every other president—a truth stretcher… okay a liar. That website was a pile of sh*t, and the actual law that no one bothered to read, is filled with all kinds of incentives that will keep the insurance company paid while overcharging the everyman. Even if you support the man, you had to admit that this was a horrible policy.
bAd BiTCh of The Year: J-Law
Youtube Clip of The Year: It only took 30 seconds to watch, but the impact of the Thanksgiving release of Sharkeisha, had everyone buzzing. Sure there are a lot of cute cat clips, some Man of Steel parody videos, and that bus driver using the Tiger Uppercut technique on a disgruntled rider, but nothing made us shake our head like seeing Sharkiesha the hoodrat coldcock her boyfriend’s mistress and the yells of, “DON’T Kick HA SHARKEISHA!”
Best UFB POST OF THE YEAR:
Looking forward to 2014 it should be a great year for UFB as we will bring you reviews of Winter Soldier, Days of Future Past, The Death of Wolverine (oops spoiler alert). Cover the expansion of Xbox one and PS4 as they jockey for supremacy as well as reports on the i-watch or maybe the rumored i-TV as Apple and Samsung continue their electronics war. We’ll be live from Wrestlemania 30 and Comic-con. If that wasn’t enough get ready for Mar-Win Comics first release: The Descendants.
Excelsior…or some sh*t.