What makes a badass animated movie? One that goes Scorsese hard, is filled with action, but still maintains a great story as opposed to simply exploiting animated violence. Disney movies dominate animated lists, so I’ve decided to do a Disney-less list of the most badass (Lion King would have totally made the list) animated films I’ve seen and that you should check out. Sorry, Fivel’s refusal to go Munich on those Jew hating Cats makes him a pu$$y, and Cera the menstruating triceratops was the only gangster thing about The Land Before Time, so suck it. Here is my list of BadASS Animated Flix.
Akira: 1988 is synonymous with the golden era of the crack era; rappers still drop punch lines about “back in 88,” with fond memories of wealthy days. When it comes to Anime, ’88 is just as gangster. Akira the post-apocalyptic tale by Katsuhiro Otomo makes the list because it’s one of the few 80’s animated imports that stands the test of time. Part A Clockwork Orange, part Scanners, completely badass! We’ve become obsessed with Zombies destroying the world, but if this movie proves anything is that we should fear the advancement of the human mind. TETSUO!!!!!!!
Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker: The malnourished Terry McB*tchy became Batman in the near future after discovering an aging Bruce Wayne near death in his Iron Man Bat suit and unfortunately for us it lead to one of the worse incarnations of the caped crusader… wait did he have a cape? Regardless of how mediocre Beyond was, Return of the Joker more than made up for the series. This standalone movie (which was pretty much ignored on the show) finally revealed the fate of Tim Drake and The Joker (voiced by Mr. Mark Hamill of course) and almost sort of kind of made me like Terry McB*tchTits as Batman.
G.I. Joe: The Movie: Imagine your favorite cartoon on steroids… better animation, people being killed, and the creepiest scene with a human turned snake you’ll ever see. Forget Channing Tatum’s G.I. Joe, erase DahWAYNE’s G.I. Joe Retaliation. This 1987 movie is a 8 year old boy’s wet dream. GO JOE > KKKKKKKKOBRA LalalalalaLAH!
Fist of The North Star: I had never seen so much blood in my life and this is coming from someone who saw Scarface when he was five years old. Fist of the North Star’s story is rather dated and the pacing doesn’t really hold up, but that’s with nearly any older films. The legacy of this movie is one of bad-ass kung-fu fighting, seeing people take unmeasurable amounts of pain, and brotherly love. Kenshiro, Shin, Raoh, and poor tragic Julie, these characters are some of the richest characters not only in anime history but in world cinema.
“Of Life I have not a single regret” – Raoh.
Wonder Woman: DC Universe has made some great-animated films recently, The Dark Knight Returns adaption is epic, but there are two that outshine it in my opinion. The first being Wonder Woman from 2011, which shows Diana as the bad-ass Amazon warrior Queen Bee Decapitating bi-polar hard-on inducing character she was meant to be. More than an origin story this direct to DVD new classic pulls no punches and is a must see.
Transformers: The Movie: “Open, open up, DAMN IT!” the memorable lines form punk-ass Ultra Magnus as he desperately tried to open up the matrix of leadership. Did it ever occur to Ultra Magnus to put the Matrix in his chest the moment Prime died? Plot holes aside, this is THE TRANSFORMERS MOVIE that Bayformers doesn’t have the balls to be. The plot is simple but so is Star Wars; Young Transformer Hot Rod goes on a hero’s journey and by the end of the movie becomes Rodimus Prime the new leader of the Autobots. While the following season of the series erased everything that happened by resurrecting Optimus, this movie stands as the ultimate Transformers golden age tale.
Justice League: Flashpoint Pardox: This thing’s fresh out of the box and I can’t stop talking about it. The actual Flashpoint comic book series that ended the old DCU and introduced the New 53 is complete Sh*t. I’m serious it is the most utter complete Sh*t you will ever read, and this is coming from someone who read Age of Ultron and Zero Hour. That reason alone is reason enough to avoid the DVD release of Flashpoint, but I watched it anyway… it man did the creative team do a great job in focusing the previously convoluted story about The Flash (Barry Allen version) Going back in time to save his mother and ruining the continuity. Barry comes back to a world where Thomas Wayne is Batman, Martha Wayne is the Joker, Bruce is dead, Hal Jordan never found a ring, Cyborg is the Superman type beloved hero, and Wonder Woman and Aqua Man are going North and South Korea on each other. Cursing, blood, Griffter, this animated film has it all… What are you waiting for go watch it.
I watch five movies at least once a year because I love them that much. Boogie Nights, Pulp Fiction, Gypsy, Goodfellas, and MotherTruckn’ Ninja Scroll! The story of neigh invincible Ronin Samurai Jubei and poison coochie Ninja Girl Kagero as they battle the Devils of Kimon is not only a great action movie, it’s a beautifully twisted love story. Hollywood’s been trying to develop a live action version for years, but even when that day comes, nothing will measure up to Jubei as he fights off wasps, turns down azz, and head-butts Gemma into a bloody pile of flesh. The samurai Anime genre is almost as saturated ad the Japanese schoolgirl hintai market, but ask anyone and Ninja Scroll makes the top of the list. Maybe not the Citizen Kane of Anime but it’s definitely the Reservoir Dogs of BadAss Animated flix. Gemmmaaaaaa!
Make sure to check out Loel coming soon: